By Jim Moore
If they even hold a season-ending Mariners news conference, here’s how I’m hoping it will go:
Tim Hevly, vice president of communications: “Hello everyone, to my left is Mariners team president Jerry Dipoto. Jerry, would you like to make an opening statement?”
Dipoto: “Sure would, thanks Tim. We’re all disappointed that we fell short of the playoffs but feel like we’re on the cusp of sustainable success that will lead to several World Series appearances by the Mariners. Our farm system is one of the best in baseball, and our prospects will be ready to contribute in a big way, augmenting and fortifying our lineup in 2025.”
Aaron Levine of FOX 13: “But Jerry, you said something to that effect last year and if I’m not mistaken, the year before that too.”
Dipoto: “You’re right, Aaron, I did.”
Levine: “And I’m guessing if you don’t make the playoffs next year, you’ll trot out that same tired B.S.”
Dipoto: “You’re right again, Aaron.”
Ryan Divish, Seattle Times: “With all due respect, Jerry, how can you justify keeping your job and getting a contract extension when the Mariners have made the playoffs in only one of your nine years here? If you had been team president of the Yankees, you would have been blown out of New York a long time ago.”
Dipoto: “John Stanton knows that I was limited by the budget I was given and understands like I do that I’m the smartest guy in the room. Show me another MLB team president who can string syllables together like I can. Go ahead, you can’t find one. Plus I look the part, well groomed and handsome, always sounding and appearing like I know what I’m doing.”
Jim Moore of PuckSports.com: “But do you? Your track record suggests otherwise.”
Dipoto, whispering to Hevly: “Who let him in here?”
Dipoto, more audibly to reporters: “Next question.”
Jen Mueller, ROOT Sports: “Well, Jerry, I’ve always appreciated your command of the English language. The big words you use, they always perfectly describe what you’re trying to convey. Can you think of one big word that was maybe your best?”
Dipoto: “Thanks Jen, it’s nice to see you again. I’d have to say it was when I told everyone that I was reimagining our roster before the 2019 season. I didn’t want to say rebuilding even though that’s what we were doing. I just thought it sounder cooler to say reimagining.”
Adam Jude, Seattle Times: “You said there were budget limitations that no doubt impacted what you could do in free agency. But Jerry, several teams made the playoffs this year that had smaller payrolls than the Mariners.”
Dipoto: “What are you trying to say?”
Jude: “That other teams still found a way to win with shoestring budgets and that as good as you’ve been at finding and developing elite pitchers, you’re terrible at acquiring position players, most of whom haven’t hit worth a damn.”
Dipoto: “I wouldn’t say I’m terrible at anything, Adam, I’d say it’s more about being unlucky. All of the players that I brought in had a history of being able to hit.”
Moore: “Maybe so, Jerry, but you sure have been unlucky a lot. How much does it have to do with your club’s hitting philosophy, I mean, c’mon man, when you hired that one guy and called him your offensive coordinator, did you realize how dumb that sounded at the time?”
Dipoto: “Yeah, well, we got rid of him.”
Moore: “Now can you get rid of that Control the Zone crap you’re always preaching about?”
Dipoto: “No, we still want to Control the Zone, and you must have forgotten that we upgraded that one to Dominate the Zone a few years ago.”
Angie Mentink, ROOT Sports: “Dominate the Zone, my ass! What do you take us for, a bunch of fools? Your team has broken the club record for strikeouts the last two years, averaging more than 10 a game. How many times have we seen your players swing at pitches off the plate? I’ll tell you, too many to bleepin’ count.”
Divish whispering to Jude: “Angie must realize ROOT Sports is on life support and just thought, screw it, I’m gonna say what’s truly on my mind instead of constantly sugarcoating this joke of a franchise.”
Dipoto: “Uh, Angie, we recognized that we had some major flaws in our approach and believe we rectified the situation by hiring Edgar Martinez.”
Mentink: “We all love Edgar, but he must have lost his mind to want to be a part of this mess.”
Hevly: “We have time for one more question.”
Moore: “Jerry, you really butchered things last year with your comments about striving to win 54 percent of the time and doing the fan base a favor. What would you say to Mariner fans this year? Plan to stick your foot in your mouth again?”
Dipoto: “Tim said one more question, that’s two.”
Hevly: “Just a reminder, 2025 season tickets go on sale tomorrow at 10 a.m., thanks for coming and Tridents Up!”
